Things I like.

-my memory foam bathroom mat

-smoking a joint

-my stuffed rabbit Furry that’s been with me since I was 3

-rain

-cedar trees

-autumn

-Christmas

-being happy

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Coming out with ADHD

My experiences since I have learned about my ADHD are so different. I watched a great video today on how discovering this about yourself is life changing, and while you’re essentially going through a mourning period for the person you used to be, to the people around you you’re just the same. It’s a tough thing for those who aren’t in your shoes to understand.

I decided to put it out there, right on Facebook. My decision to do so was to help lessen the stigma and to educate or answer questions should they arise. I found out a few more people I know are struggling as well.

I’m looking forward to seeing my doctor in a few days and moving forward with the next step in my treatment plan.

My interests.

I can’t say what I’m definitively “into”. There are a few that stand out clearly. I’m passionate about horses and animals in general. I love music. I enjoy gaming. My specific interests in these areas spans wide and would encompass many many more words than I could possibly sit here and write. Perhaps I will get into some in pieces. I happen to go through cycles of interests, where I will be extremely focused on one band, one type of music, one genre or game, etc. that can last for a few months.

This past week I discovered (re-discovered, somewhere years ago I decided I hated them) Fleetwood Mac. Turns out I already know most of the songs, as most people who have listened to a radio have. I enjoyed reading about the beginnings in blues and the drama in their relationships, and their determination to keep the band together. My boyfriend had the luck to see them in the early 90s. He said that they were musically perfect.

I’ve also been playing more board type games as of late. Settlers of Catan, Solitaire, Pokemon TCGO. I enjoy games with logic and not too much math. iPads, or any tablet, is a great piece of technology for playing these tactile games without the cumbersome moving of pieces and cleaning up boards. Pokemon especially can be difficult with many cards being attached to other cards piling up, and reshuffling of your deck multiple times in a game, or perhaps even a single turn!

I also have a horse, and I’ve been trying to spend as much time as I can with him. He’s 19 years old, and with my back problems I am not able to ride as much as I used to. He also has a condition called COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) which means his respiratory system is somewhat limited. Exercise helps him, as well as some bronchodilators (that are very expensive!), but still, he is not in his prime either and we both have to take it easy. We enjoy walking and taking in nature, but we still jump and gallop around when we can!

In support of Philip DeFranco.

I’ve been watching Philly D since his sxephil days, even had the opportunity to go to a meet up in Vancouver and play a game of duck-duck-goose. Now he is a big YouTube star, his views number in the millions, and he’s a well-known personality being targeted by the MSM just like PewDiePie.

I personally have to put my $0.02 in because I continue to watch him as my main source of American news. His views are always balanced and fair. He provides the perspectives of both sides of the story before stating (and he’s always clear that it’s his) opinions from his own point of view. I love that he engages his audience by asking for a discussion and his viewership consists of people from all walks of life and sides of the political spectrum.

There are few things that he does in his program that I would consider worth of attacking him. Perhaps his opinions move some people to disagree, but the type of hate-filled articles against him using bogus facts and complete falsehoods (such as condemning him as tabloid material, gossip blogger, and right-wing) are not helping the MSM’s position in America. People can see through the bullshit, period.

Maybe there are too many opinions and facts no longer matter.

I am 99.9% sure Usagi/Sailor Moon is ADHD.

One of my all time favourite childhood shows was Sailor Moon. Growing up in North America in the 90s you’re pretty much guaranteed that somebody  you knew was a big fan.

As I have recently learned I’m ADHD, and I’m re-watching the show in the original Japanese for nostalgia, and to really finish it off since the English dub never did release the 5th season. I am also watching a new version called Crystal. Anyhow, I have really been following the main character Usagi, whose alter ego is ***SPOILER ALERT **** Sailor Moon. She has all the same ADHD tendencies I do!

She was going through a list of all the things she wanted to be when she grew up, and I was like, hey, that’s still me. I can’t figure out what to do with my life because I am interested in too many things, hello! She’s temperamental, too. She loves her friends and cares about them deeply, but she’ll get into petty arguments and get emotional very easily. (Something that an ADHD girl shows symptoms of, instead of physical hyperactivity, is emotional hyper sensitivity. I’m learning as I go..)

Usagi is clumsy, she is always tripping and falling or bumping into things. Dropping stuff, you name it. Hey that’s me too!

Maybe I’m reaching? I don’t think it’s too far of a stretch to imagine she is, or is based off of a real life person who might be?

It’s raining!

I love the smell of the rain. It’s early June and it’s been hot for the last week, so I appreciate the cooler weather and the moisture. I’m watching outside my patio door as the drops sprinkle my trees and plants in my backyard.

 

Yesterday, I was so depressed, it was difficult to function. I don’t know how I make it through some of those days, because it’s those days that being in my own head feels terrible. Negative thoughts and feelings burden me as though I was being crushed under a boulder. I wish that I could explain to people why I am not always happy, why sometimes I can’t bring myself to crawl out of bed or be talkative or social. I want to shout to the world “I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE UNDERSTAND”. I know that’s just not how it works.

I have little to no social life at this point. I’m undecided on how to go about having one again. All the friends I had have kids now, and making new ones seems just about impossible. The ones I have made are really self-centred people who seem to only want me around to be a listener or an advice giver. Unfortunately that’s who I am. I always want to be the best friend to everybody that I can, and it ends up not working out well for me because I always feel I am the giver. When I tell my one friend I am in pain, and she doesn’t bother to offer comfort, when I would do the same for her, I feel that it is a very one-sided friendship indeed. Therefore, I don’t even see these “friends” that I have much because they suck the little energy that I have from me.

It’s increasingly difficult for me to write about how I feel, because my head is such a mess all the time. Nothing I write seems “right” to me, whether it’s poor grammar or it just sounds like a jumble. I am only able to focus and write, or do anything creatively, when I have had some cannabis in my system. It’s the only thing that helps. I get all sorts of wonderful ideas, and try to make them happen. Unfortunately, ADHD often stops me. Cannabis can also exacerbate those symptoms.

I feel like, at 31 years old, my life has been a failure of all sorts so far. I have a photography business that I just don’t feel like putting the effort into. It overwhelms me so much. I don’t have any hope for the future. I was watching my favourite anime yesterday, Sailor Moon (binge watching shows helps me take my mind off the negative thought process for a little while) and there was an episode all about how having dreams is what makes life worth living. What makes us human. It really resonated with me, because I don’t think I have dreams anymore.

What does one do? I just don’t know. Thanks for reading.