I love the smell of the rain. It’s early June and it’s been hot for the last week, so I appreciate the cooler weather and the moisture. I’m watching outside my patio door as the drops sprinkle my trees and plants in my backyard.
Yesterday, I was so depressed, it was difficult to function. I don’t know how I make it through some of those days, because it’s those days that being in my own head feels terrible. Negative thoughts and feelings burden me as though I was being crushed under a boulder. I wish that I could explain to people why I am not always happy, why sometimes I can’t bring myself to crawl out of bed or be talkative or social. I want to shout to the world “I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE UNDERSTAND”. I know that’s just not how it works.
I have little to no social life at this point. I’m undecided on how to go about having one again. All the friends I had have kids now, and making new ones seems just about impossible. The ones I have made are really self-centred people who seem to only want me around to be a listener or an advice giver. Unfortunately that’s who I am. I always want to be the best friend to everybody that I can, and it ends up not working out well for me because I always feel I am the giver. When I tell my one friend I am in pain, and she doesn’t bother to offer comfort, when I would do the same for her, I feel that it is a very one-sided friendship indeed. Therefore, I don’t even see these “friends” that I have much because they suck the little energy that I have from me.
It’s increasingly difficult for me to write about how I feel, because my head is such a mess all the time. Nothing I write seems “right” to me, whether it’s poor grammar or it just sounds like a jumble. I am only able to focus and write, or do anything creatively, when I have had some cannabis in my system. It’s the only thing that helps. I get all sorts of wonderful ideas, and try to make them happen. Unfortunately, ADHD often stops me. Cannabis can also exacerbate those symptoms.
I feel like, at 31 years old, my life has been a failure of all sorts so far. I have a photography business that I just don’t feel like putting the effort into. It overwhelms me so much. I don’t have any hope for the future. I was watching my favourite anime yesterday, Sailor Moon (binge watching shows helps me take my mind off the negative thought process for a little while) and there was an episode all about how having dreams is what makes life worth living. What makes us human. It really resonated with me, because I don’t think I have dreams anymore.
What does one do? I just don’t know. Thanks for reading.