It’s gorgeous outside, but it’s stormy in my head.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I can’t talk to anyone around me about what I’m going through. My head is so screwed up. I feel like I’m drowning and running out of air and screaming silently for help. I don’t have confidence in the medical system to help me. They’ve been so difficult to deal with and it’s been such a long ordeal with my back and my head, trying to sort it out with a GP who literally asks me the most inane questions. Not to mention the incredibly long amount of waiting one has to do in our medical system. Canada may be great for its health care coverage, but while you sit and suffer, your life just slips by. Years go by.

I don’t know how long I will be able to manage my head and living my life like this. I get so little joy out of life anymore. Nobody and nothing mean anything. I feel so numb yet so overwrought with emotion all the time. I’m the only person suffering though. I am the only one who has to live this way. Nobody I care about does, and they can’t help me, so there is no point in talking to them about it. I tried today, but it wasn’t the right time. I broke down but had to stop myself before it became too much.

I can’t bear my thoughts on days like this where I am unable to get past the depression. I can feel myself fighting within, the positivity and the will to survive pushing back against the depressive negative garbage that fills me up. But it’s getting so weak. I don’t think anybody would care if I were here or not. It’s not like they bother with me now that I am. Does that make me selfish? I feel that I have tried hard to care, to put myself out there, to be a good friend and a good member of my family. It just ends up being me that has to do all the work, and I don’t recall a time recently where anyone has truly made me feel like they cared and wanted to listen to me other than maybe my grandmother. I can’t be as frank with her as I’d like to be though, because I care about her too much. I can’t tell her how I am so depressed I want to die sometimes. How do you tell somebody that without hurting them?

My mother is so distant and far away, I want so bad to be close with her. I don’t know how. I feel like giving up. She shows so little interest when I talk to her. My dad is so difficult because he just likes to be left to his own devices most of the time. Neither of them have spent time with me over the course of my life, especially never showing interest in the things I loved. My dad has never been out to see the horses and the riding I love so much, perhaps there was one single time that I barely remember. If it was something that happened, and not merely a dream, then it was a brief visit and likely marked with his distaste. My frequent requests for him to participate in my life have almost always been answered with “I don’t like those things”, “I’m busy”, “we’ll see”, and so on.

It hurts me tremendously, and I’m ashamed to admit it. Here I am at 31, in a deep depression and feeling hurt by the inaction of my parents. While I suffered some verbal and emotional abuse, I had everything I needed, and loving grandparents to provide and support my brother and I when things weren’t great at home. I wished and wished when I was young I could have gone to live with them. As they age, I fear the day when I won’t have them to turn to. Thinking about it makes me not want to live to see it.

I have a huge extended family that loves to pretend it cares, but it doesn’t. They, and my immediate family, will harp on me about going to this family reunion every year, where people I’ve seen a couple handfuls of times in my life get together and pretend to care about each other. I barely remember them all, as most I know from my childhood, and since then I have been loathe to attend these events. Different boyfriends each time, a growing gap between my cousins and I because I was different, etc… lots of socializing, talking, visiting, NOT my cup of tea.

I just don’t know.

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Coming out with ADHD

My experiences since I have learned about my ADHD are so different. I watched a great video today on how discovering this about yourself is life changing, and while you’re essentially going through a mourning period for the person you used to be, to the people around you you’re just the same. It’s a tough thing for those who aren’t in your shoes to understand.

I decided to put it out there, right on Facebook. My decision to do so was to help lessen the stigma and to educate or answer questions should they arise. I found out a few more people I know are struggling as well.

I’m looking forward to seeing my doctor in a few days and moving forward with the next step in my treatment plan.

In support of Philip DeFranco.

I’ve been watching Philly D since his sxephil days, even had the opportunity to go to a meet up in Vancouver and play a game of duck-duck-goose. Now he is a big YouTube star, his views number in the millions, and he’s a well-known personality being targeted by the MSM just like PewDiePie.

I personally have to put my $0.02 in because I continue to watch him as my main source of American news. His views are always balanced and fair. He provides the perspectives of both sides of the story before stating (and he’s always clear that it’s his) opinions from his own point of view. I love that he engages his audience by asking for a discussion and his viewership consists of people from all walks of life and sides of the political spectrum.

There are few things that he does in his program that I would consider worth of attacking him. Perhaps his opinions move some people to disagree, but the type of hate-filled articles against him using bogus facts and complete falsehoods (such as condemning him as tabloid material, gossip blogger, and right-wing) are not helping the MSM’s position in America. People can see through the bullshit, period.

Maybe there are too many opinions and facts no longer matter.

I am 99.9% sure Usagi/Sailor Moon is ADHD.

One of my all time favourite childhood shows was Sailor Moon. Growing up in North America in the 90s you’re pretty much guaranteed that somebody ¬†you knew was a big fan.

As I have recently learned I’m ADHD, and I’m re-watching the show in the original Japanese for nostalgia, and to really finish it off since the English dub never did release the 5th season. I am also watching a new version called Crystal. Anyhow, I have really been following the main character Usagi, whose alter ego is ***SPOILER ALERT **** Sailor Moon. She has all the same ADHD tendencies I do!

She was going through a list of all the things she wanted to be when she grew up, and I was like, hey, that’s still me. I can’t figure out what to do with my life because I am interested in too many things, hello! She’s temperamental, too. She loves her friends and cares about them deeply, but she’ll get into petty arguments and get emotional very easily. (Something that an ADHD girl shows symptoms of, instead of physical hyperactivity, is emotional hyper sensitivity. I’m learning as I go..)

Usagi is clumsy, she is always tripping and falling or bumping into things. Dropping stuff, you name it. Hey that’s me too!

Maybe I’m reaching? I don’t think it’s too far of a stretch to imagine she is, or is based off of a real life person who might be?

It’s raining!

I love the smell of the rain. It’s early June and it’s been hot for the last week, so I appreciate the cooler weather and the moisture. I’m watching outside my patio door as the drops sprinkle my trees and plants in my backyard.

 

Yesterday, I was so depressed, it was difficult to function. I don’t know how I make it through some of those days, because it’s those days that being in my own head feels terrible. Negative thoughts and feelings burden me as though I was being crushed under a boulder. I wish that I could explain to people why I am not always happy, why sometimes I can’t bring myself to crawl out of bed or be talkative or social. I want to shout to the world “I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE UNDERSTAND”. I know that’s just not how it works.

I have little to no social life at this point. I’m undecided on how to go about having one again. All the friends I had have kids now, and making new ones seems just about impossible. The ones I have made are really self-centred people who seem to only want me around to be a listener or an advice giver. Unfortunately that’s who I am. I always want to be the best friend to everybody that I can, and it ends up not working out well for me because I always feel I am the giver. When I tell my one friend I am in pain, and she doesn’t bother to offer comfort, when I would do the same for her, I feel that it is a very one-sided friendship indeed. Therefore, I don’t even see these “friends” that I have much because they suck the little energy that I have from me.

It’s increasingly difficult for me to write about how I feel, because my head is such a mess all the time. Nothing I write seems “right” to me, whether it’s poor grammar or it just sounds like a jumble. I am only able to focus and write, or do anything creatively, when I have had some cannabis in my system. It’s the only thing that helps. I get all sorts of wonderful ideas, and try to make them happen. Unfortunately, ADHD often stops me. Cannabis can also exacerbate those symptoms.

I feel like, at 31 years old, my life has been a failure of all sorts so far. I have a photography business that I just don’t feel like putting the effort into. It overwhelms me so much. I don’t have any hope for the future. I was watching my favourite anime yesterday, Sailor Moon (binge watching shows helps me take my mind off the negative thought process for a little while) and there was an episode all about how having dreams is what makes life worth living. What makes us human. It really resonated with me, because I don’t think I have dreams anymore.

What does one do? I just don’t know. Thanks for reading.

Chronic pain and what it does to you.

I don’t like to think about it because it depresses me. I have chronic pain from 2 herniated discs in my back. I’ve been living with this pain for about 4 years now.

Sometimes, you have to think about it. You have to think about it when your body is telling you no, you can’t do that. You have to think about it when you are out somewhere and you need to sit down, but you don’t want to appear lazy. You have to think about it when you’re at work and you have things to do.

It’s exhausting. There are times when I just feel so TIRED of having pain and so sick of taking pills to manage it. It’s like a bad movie that won’t end!

I implore everyone out there who doesn’t live with pain, enjoy your healthy body! Don’t limit yourself when you can do whatever you want. Be careful, though, don’t abuse your body and look after yourself. It’s the only one you have!

I want to write…

I recently found out I have ADHD. I want so badly to write, but every time the opportunity comes up I am at a loss. I feel like I’m wasting my time. ADHD has held me back in every aspect of my life. I’m only just realizing the impact it has had on me. I have not received any treatment yet.

I’m afraid of going on another medication. I’m already taking medication for depression and pain. The painkiller is a very moderate one, not very addictive at all, but still. It does have its side effects. I know medication is really one of the only things that can relieve ADHD symptoms and help you live a normal life.

The problem is that I’m a creative person, and I do think that’s in part due to the ADHD, but it also holds me back from actually DOING anything. I want to draw and paint, but I don’t get my brushes or pencils out. I pick up my phone and think it’s too difficult to do that and let myself be distracted by just about anything else. Even if I did go so far as to get the paper and tools, I still wouldn’t know what to do with them.