It’s raining!

I love the smell of the rain. It’s early June and it’s been hot for the last week, so I appreciate the cooler weather and the moisture. I’m watching outside my patio door as the drops sprinkle my trees and plants in my backyard.

 

Yesterday, I was so depressed, it was difficult to function. I don’t know how I make it through some of those days, because it’s those days that being in my own head feels terrible. Negative thoughts and feelings burden me as though I was being crushed under a boulder. I wish that I could explain to people why I am not always happy, why sometimes I can’t bring myself to crawl out of bed or be talkative or social. I want to shout to the world “I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE UNDERSTAND”. I know that’s just not how it works.

I have little to no social life at this point. I’m undecided on how to go about having one again. All the friends I had have kids now, and making new ones seems just about impossible. The ones I have made are really self-centred people who seem to only want me around to be a listener or an advice giver. Unfortunately that’s who I am. I always want to be the best friend to everybody that I can, and it ends up not working out well for me because I always feel I am the giver. When I tell my one friend I am in pain, and she doesn’t bother to offer comfort, when I would do the same for her, I feel that it is a very one-sided friendship indeed. Therefore, I don’t even see these “friends” that I have much because they suck the little energy that I have from me.

It’s increasingly difficult for me to write about how I feel, because my head is such a mess all the time. Nothing I write seems “right” to me, whether it’s poor grammar or it just sounds like a jumble. I am only able to focus and write, or do anything creatively, when I have had some cannabis in my system. It’s the only thing that helps. I get all sorts of wonderful ideas, and try to make them happen. Unfortunately, ADHD often stops me. Cannabis can also exacerbate those symptoms.

I feel like, at 31 years old, my life has been a failure of all sorts so far. I have a photography business that I just don’t feel like putting the effort into. It overwhelms me so much. I don’t have any hope for the future. I was watching my favourite anime yesterday, Sailor Moon (binge watching shows helps me take my mind off the negative thought process for a little while) and there was an episode all about how having dreams is what makes life worth living. What makes us human. It really resonated with me, because I don’t think I have dreams anymore.

What does one do? I just don’t know. Thanks for reading.

Advertisements

Chronic pain and what it does to you.

I don’t like to think about it because it depresses me. I have chronic pain from 2 herniated discs in my back. I’ve been living with this pain for about 4 years now.

Sometimes, you have to think about it. You have to think about it when your body is telling you no, you can’t do that. You have to think about it when you are out somewhere and you need to sit down, but you don’t want to appear lazy. You have to think about it when you’re at work and you have things to do.

It’s exhausting. There are times when I just feel so TIRED of having pain and so sick of taking pills to manage it. It’s like a bad movie that won’t end!

I implore everyone out there who doesn’t live with pain, enjoy your healthy body! Don’t limit yourself when you can do whatever you want. Be careful, though, don’t abuse your body and look after yourself. It’s the only one you have!

I want to write…

I recently found out I have ADHD. I want so badly to write, but every time the opportunity comes up I am at a loss. I feel like I’m wasting my time. ADHD has held me back in every aspect of my life. I’m only just realizing the impact it has had on me. I have not received any treatment yet.

I’m afraid of going on another medication. I’m already taking medication for depression and pain. The painkiller is a very moderate one, not very addictive at all, but still. It does have its side effects. I know medication is really one of the only things that can relieve ADHD symptoms and help you live a normal life.

The problem is that I’m a creative person, and I do think that’s in part due to the ADHD, but it also holds me back from actually DOING anything. I want to draw and paint, but I don’t get my brushes or pencils out. I pick up my phone and think it’s too difficult to do that and let myself be distracted by just about anything else. Even if I did go so far as to get the paper and tools, I still wouldn’t know what to do with them.

 

WP: An experiment transports you into a world filled with magic, coming from a non-magical world, you are immune to all magical effects. + a little about me.

[WP]An experiment transports you into a world filled with magic, coming from a non-magical world, you are immune to all magical effects.

So, beginning my journey of creative writing, something I have wanted to do for a LONG long time. I am on an upswing of my depression/ADD (recently diagnosed ADD, have been on anti-depressants for almost 4 years with little success), so my motivation is at a high. I have to take advantage of that when I can. I feel the years of my life starting to slip by already, time passing with little to show for it. I almost feel like I’m in a mid-life crisis in a way.. not necessarily a bad thing IF you can use that to your advantage and apply it to motivate yourself.

Now… enough about me for today. I can’t reveal too much at once, where would the suspense be otherwise?

To the story…


 

I always thought of magic as a way for humans to explain the things they could not understand. The mysterious happenings that could not always be attributed to religious purposes. Generally considered evil and dangerous, those who practiced any sort of “magic” were punished. We all know the stories. Burnt at the stake.

Whatever I thought I knew, whatever WE thought we knew, it was so very wrong. The future is always so difficult to predict because there are simply too many variables, too many possible outcomes. Many inventions and advancements that changed humanity were the results of mere accidents, coincidences, chances… You never knew what sort of accident there could be, and what the results would do to humanity.

Here I was, proving to nobody but myself that we knew nothing at all about our world, our universe. I was alone on another planet, alone in a way I don’t think anybody would empathize with. I had ended up the result of our experiment gone wrong. An accident happened. My memory was clear on that. Beyond that, I awoke to being crowned in a fortress of magnificent beauty. Bowing and praying around me were thousands of people and creatures alike. I was seated in a stone chair, bolt upright. Hands folded in my lap.

Somehow, I had been completely wiped of memory up until that very moment when I seemingly “awoke”. My last clear thought was of the faces of my colleagues as we were about to celebrate the latest achievement and discovery from our unmanned probe into a nearby galaxy. I suddenly felt everything go dark, and here I was.

This was a month ago. I have come to understand a lot since then.

The beings surrounding me, bowing as if seated before a King or God, were human and animal alike. Both were intelligent, capable of speaking in a language I understood, and undeniably thought I was a deity. Their world was one of magic, something I would understand you might laugh at. I would have to, if I were you. Once I was a woman of science, an astro biologist. Here, I am a Queen, a Goddess among these magical people and creatures.

They were terrified of me, and still are. I appeared out of nowhere, still in my NASA uniform. They felt that I was non-magical. None of their magical energy would penetrate me or my mind. They could not read my mind, they could not move me. I apparently awoke on my own, and was gentle and kind to them. They had never had a visitor from outside their own world before. As you could imagine we would be on Earth, they were afraid and also, very curious.

When no knowledge they had on their planet, combined from all nations, to explain what I was, they had to decide to treat me as a friend or a foe. They chose friend, and worship came fast as news spread of the mysterious woman who materialized and spoke their language. Fear was allayed in the form of subservience. As long as I was happy, they figured I would not hurt them. Strange logic, however as humans we do tend towards violence when confronted with the strange and unknown. This world contained peace-loving life, filled with magic that they used for nothing but good. Precisely what you would expect based on the fairy tales you might have heard as a child.

Unfortunately, I still do not know of a way home. The probe we sent was imaging a new planet, and in the process of sending back images in different formats. I was the first to open the very first transfer home. The probe was my baby, my first project I was selected to spearhead. To explore the possibility of life on a planet that had the most likely makeup for it. We sent the probe, and I was awoken at 3:43am to come to the lab and receive the first transmission. The probe had been in space for 12 years.

When the image flashed up of a stunningly beautiful blue planet that looked strikingly like Earth, I turned to smile at my colleagues, who had gathered to be with me for the first view. That was all I remember. The probe could possibly still be in orbit, I have no idea.

I am a Goddess among a people filled with magic, the most amazing gifts of power you have ever seen, and to use it so beautifully and peacefully. The planet is alive with life and freedom.

I remain trapped in a palace, shut in the tower, just like Rapunzel. For I am too sacred to be released. And here I wait for my reckoning.


Ok so yeah! Just decided to go for it and write and see what came out. Like it, love it, hate it? Feel free to comment. Always want to get BETTER at writing, certainly not worse.