I have never felt more alone in my life. I can’t talk to anyone around me about what I’m going through. My head is so screwed up. I feel like I’m drowning and running out of air and screaming silently for help. I don’t have confidence in the medical system to help me. They’ve been so difficult to deal with and it’s been such a long ordeal with my back and my head, trying to sort it out with a GP who literally asks me the most inane questions. Not to mention the incredibly long amount of waiting one has to do in our medical system. Canada may be great for its health care coverage, but while you sit and suffer, your life just slips by. Years go by.
I don’t know how long I will be able to manage my head and living my life like this. I get so little joy out of life anymore. Nobody and nothing mean anything. I feel so numb yet so overwrought with emotion all the time. I’m the only person suffering though. I am the only one who has to live this way. Nobody I care about does, and they can’t help me, so there is no point in talking to them about it. I tried today, but it wasn’t the right time. I broke down but had to stop myself before it became too much.
I can’t bear my thoughts on days like this where I am unable to get past the depression. I can feel myself fighting within, the positivity and the will to survive pushing back against the depressive negative garbage that fills me up. But it’s getting so weak. I don’t think anybody would care if I were here or not. It’s not like they bother with me now that I am. Does that make me selfish? I feel that I have tried hard to care, to put myself out there, to be a good friend and a good member of my family. It just ends up being me that has to do all the work, and I don’t recall a time recently where anyone has truly made me feel like they cared and wanted to listen to me other than maybe my grandmother. I can’t be as frank with her as I’d like to be though, because I care about her too much. I can’t tell her how I am so depressed I want to die sometimes. How do you tell somebody that without hurting them?
My mother is so distant and far away, I want so bad to be close with her. I don’t know how. I feel like giving up. She shows so little interest when I talk to her. My dad is so difficult because he just likes to be left to his own devices most of the time. Neither of them have spent time with me over the course of my life, especially never showing interest in the things I loved. My dad has never been out to see the horses and the riding I love so much, perhaps there was one single time that I barely remember. If it was something that happened, and not merely a dream, then it was a brief visit and likely marked with his distaste. My frequent requests for him to participate in my life have almost always been answered with “I don’t like those things”, “I’m busy”, “we’ll see”, and so on.
It hurts me tremendously, and I’m ashamed to admit it. Here I am at 31, in a deep depression and feeling hurt by the inaction of my parents. While I suffered some verbal and emotional abuse, I had everything I needed, and loving grandparents to provide and support my brother and I when things weren’t great at home. I wished and wished when I was young I could have gone to live with them. As they age, I fear the day when I won’t have them to turn to. Thinking about it makes me not want to live to see it.
I have a huge extended family that loves to pretend it cares, but it doesn’t. They, and my immediate family, will harp on me about going to this family reunion every year, where people I’ve seen a couple handfuls of times in my life get together and pretend to care about each other. I barely remember them all, as most I know from my childhood, and since then I have been loathe to attend these events. Different boyfriends each time, a growing gap between my cousins and I because I was different, etc… lots of socializing, talking, visiting, NOT my cup of tea.
I just don’t know.